Unboxing on Boxing Day.

 Shot by Alex | It’s the end of the year, I tend to get bit more emotional. Bear with me, kay?

So, I’m sitting down and I’m painting my nails. That was something I used to find tremendous joy in doing, so much that it gives me peace and it calms me from my busy schedule. But back then, busy was when I have loads to study on and a pending test or an exam that I’m unprepared for. For those times, doing my nails was my escape.

Now, things are different. What problems I used to have, now seemed so trivial. I think so much more these days, I also doubt myself even more. What if I’m doing it the wrong way, what are people talking about me, do they think I’m awful, am I dumb, why do I keep doing things that makes me so unhappy. Frankly, I’m tired. Tired to the core.

Every working day, it’s the same schedule. Maybe, it is because of the quiet time, that I feel going to work becomes a routine. But come 2013, the dreaded time comes and with all that I’ve been hearing I may need more than courage, willpower to stay together. It doesn’t help that the things I look forward to now, will not be there next year. I’d almost feel like I’ve lost something, something that is seemingly unimportant. And when it’s gone, it’s not so easy to move on, especially when you’ve started getting used to it.

So, yes. I’m tired. My thoughts are fragmented and scattered, just like how my physical state is. My room is in a mess, mom’s been nagging to clean up. My to-do-list is never done, stuff just keeps getting piled on. I look fine, I seem okay, I laugh and smile but truth is I’m crumbling down inside, slowly and surely I will break down. It’s just a matter of time.

The worst part is being consciously aware of what’s happening but yet feeling so helpless about it. To know that you’re drowning, to know that you could swim if you try hard enough, but yet despite that you are still struggling.

Maybe I’m putting too much pressure in starting anew with 2013. The clock’s ticking; it’s less than a week to New Year’s. It’s less than a week to get my shit together and sorted out. From the bottom of my heart, I wish no one has to go through what I feel, to be so helpless.

Happy Boxing Day, even if all that I’ve unboxed are sorrows of my past. It’s a brand new day tomorrow, and think about it, I could start ticking off my to-do-lists tomorrow.

because, it doesn't matter.

So, I am sitting down and I’m just thinking. Have you ever sat in front of the computer, so many thoughts running through your mind, so quickly like flashes? And just as you were about to grasp them, they would vanish into thin air, replaced with new thoughts. It’s overwhelming, that I can tell you. Most times, it will get so frustrating but sometimes you have to stop fighting it and give in to them...

More wishful thinking, I wish I could read minds. I wish I would know what is what, even if it’s only for a day. I really wish so. Among these wishes, I wondered. I wonder why unicorns don’t exist. I wonder why you did what you did. I wonder why I love candies but hate chocolate.

Then, there are the questions that beg to be asked. But then, do I really want to know the answers? Wouldn’t it be better to leave things as it and give it the benefit of doubt? I ask too much, think too much so it’s time I stop doing what I used to do. Not until I’m sure it’s really okay to do so.

Today’s Blonde Moment.

Are you sure you're not blonde? #ThingsIGetAlot

I had one such ‘blonde’ moment today, a first in many weeks (but then again, the past few weeks have been dull and colourless). This happened when I was talking to A, my best friend. He was telling me about how he wanted to start blogging again, after so long. He had given me his blog address before but me, being the blur forgetful person I am, I had somewhat forgotten about it. But I did remember it was something with the words ‘skies’ and ‘blue’. I’ll let you read on;

Like I said earlier, I remember it was ‘skies’ and ‘blue’ and A told me it was in Wordpress. So, easy peasy I went to Google the three keywords I had and to my convenience, skiesblue.wordpress.com came up. Clicked on it, scrolled down and I saw pictures that I had no idea why A would ever post! It’s not porn, but it was this…..

Em, yea. And more and more of pictures of this guy…. Obviously, something weird was going on and I had to ask A!

And that was what A told me!!! I mean, wtf, at that point I scrolled through two pages and it was that many pictures of that dude I just believe what A said. I mean who would joke about this kind of stuff, right? Obviously, he did and thinks it was funny enough to troll me. HMMPH.

It turns out that his blog was skiesblueS.wordpress.com. I missed out by one ‘S’ and that made all the difference. Meh. Anyway, A beat me to blogging about this, so if you want you can read what he wrote; meme style! Link here; http://skiesblues.wordpress.com/2012/11/06/skiesblue-4life/.

* * * * * * * * * *

I thought I’ll post a little more about how I’m doing and feeling lately, since I haven’t been updating much. Well, I, (hmmm) haven’t been the best I wished I could be. In fact, some days were pretty horrible. “There are good days, and there are bad days. And then, there are days that you feel so awful that you wished a sink hole would just swallow you in.”

Then, there are those days that you just want to drop everything and just leave. Run. Let time heal everything, while you disappear.

It’s really hard to deal with this, when suddenly all that I thought to be wasn’t what it was. I thought I was stronger, I told myself I could get through this. But frankly, I don’t have a clue. All I know is that despite everything, I keep looking back to the what had already happened. Sometimes really, (I don’t know if anybody will ever be able to feel how I feel or at least relate), when everything is lost, you find yourself missing and longing for it/them. You want to turn back the clock, you want to do things differently, you want to change. But you cannot. I cannot. And, it just hurts to be so helpless.

People change, but memories don’t.

21 days, the bro said.

If I told you I missed you, what would you do?

I miss my best friend(s). I know best, means having one only but I have so many friends that they are all my best ones. I really do miss them so much, and I’m really thankful for those who stuck on with me despite how insufferable, stupidly annoying and dumb I could be at times. Thank you so much, and I want you to know, that, it means the world to me. 

#Stop114A

If you don’t know what Stop114A, it is actually a campaign to educate all Malaysians who will be affected by the amendment of Section 114A. The new amendment of Section 114A holds someone accountable for any seditious content posted online. Guilty until proven innocence, where as what we are used to hear is innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof now lies upon us, the Internet users to prove that we are not guilty. And should we fail to proof that, we are considered as guilty.

Below is a picture which shows how this new amendment will affect each and everyone of us in Malaysia. Source from http://stop114a.wordpress.com.

And here is a comic, a scenario that could be happening to anyone of us.

So, please share with your friends, family and everyone else about this new amendment to Section 114A. There need to be an awareness before anyone innocent becomes a victim. For more information, please visit http://stop114a.wordpress.com/.

Of ice-creams, life savers and hugs.

There is only so much each of us can handle, there is always a limit to that. Imagine having to face heart breaks, one after another. How is it that you can still stand up to face the world with a smile, when all you want to do is just cry your balls out. Is it too coward to say, you’d just rather run away from them? But how long can you run before you get exhausted? Before you get too tired with all that happened.

At times, like these, trust me when I say ice-creams and hugs do save the day. If not that, you’ll feel better enough to face the world again. (I haven’t found my life-savers, yet though).

Moving On.

I’m always looking back, thinking if I made the right decisions in the past. It’s not exactly the best thing to do but at times I really can’t help it. I do ponder quite often about the decision I made last year end, because it was an extremely tough call to make. I’ve felt regrets, disappointment and sometimes, anger when I go back to ‘that’ time when it happened, when my life changed.

It could be dramatic to say so, but believe me, if I didn’t make that call, I wouldn’t be the same person I am today. I found it extremely hard to move on because there were just too many memories. Everything I did would somehow remind me of the past. I also realised that I try to push away or rather, I avoid going back to those times. Truth is, that only made it harder to move on.

I recall A and J telling me that I had to come to terms with my situation, in other words, accept that what happened has already happened. There were good memories that I should treasure and the not-so-good ones.. well, just let it go. Move on.

But when they told me that, I really couldn’t see it through their perspective. I was probably clouded and confused about my emotions. Half a year later, today, I realised that the only way to move on was to accept it. And it’s true; I do feel less burdened by the past. 

When things couldn’t get worse.

I’ve been MIA for some time because I’m taking the final papers of my semester and I’ve said that I’ll only be back on June 13. But after all that happened today, I had to pour my heart out somewhere. So where else if not, my blog?

I got so depressed after the exams, so depressed that if I didn’t talk to anyone about it I knew I would lose my mind. So, I called Jason up and after that, I did feel so much better. And thank you Alex too, for listening.

I’m sure you’re wondering what got me so depressed, which surprisingly, wasn’t because of the paper I sat for. It was because of what I did in the examination hall, despite the fact that I had unconsciously done so. :( I have my own stupidity to blame for that.

And because I was so shocked after realising how stupid I was, I actually left my pencil case in the examination hall. The case had my credit card and my IC in it. :s Best thing was I didn’t realised that I left it until my friends called me. That is how clueless I can be. (And thank you Danny for taking the case back for me!)

And all these stuff, just got me so bloody depressed. It may seem like pretty small issue but trust me, if you’re in my shoes, you’ll know how it feels.

But, on the bright side, I just got my pencil case back from my lovely awesome fantastic friends who delivered it to me! Thank you Eugene, Reuben and Serene! I’m forever indebted, until I treat you all to a meal. Haha. :P

With all this things happening, I’m really really thankful for my friends. Also, I’m very lucky to have friends like you all. <3

* * * * * * * * *

It helped that the radio played the right song today; Andy Grammar’s Keep Your Head Up.

But you gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

You gotta keep your head up, oh,

And you can let your hair down, eh.

.

Rant: State of mind.

Imagine if I could take a picture of my brain… I think it would look like this picture. Out of focus, cluttered.

For more pictures from the Walk in the Park series, click here.

Rant: Hopelessness.

Picture was taken during the late afternoon during one of my favourite walks to the park. See other pictures here.

The morning after. One thing I loathe about going to sleep, was waking up the next morning. Especially on days where my classes begin at 8am, I’m sure this resonates with my classmates and really, about thousands other students. To make matters worse, you’ve got an exam the next day. So, really what is the point of waking up? And today, I woke up feeling hopeless. It wasn’t just a feeling that would fade away. In fact, it pretty much stayed on and lingered till I finished my exam. Hell, it doubled tripled during my exam, so much that I have felt the urge to just walk out of the hall, leaving my paper incomplete. I stayed on, but that didn’t make much difference. All it did was help me feel less guilty, seeing that I ‘utilised’ the allocated time to complete the paper, right? So, yes. Sighs. I don’t want to go bed and wake up feeling hopeless.

Worlds apart, strangers again.

What is love? Is it love, when you stare into the eyes of the man you’ve been for the past year and realised how much he changed, or rather he have grown into a man you came to despise but despite all that, you still longed for him. Or is it love, when you are willing to accept the flaws he have came to be, to say, yes, I can live with that. Yes, I can put up with that. Or, is that, in actual fact, just the biggest mistake you’ll ever make unknowingly. By digging the sinkhole deeper, making it even harder just to get out. One day, you’ll ask yourself why didn’t you just stop when you had the chance. Is it because of love, that is why you held on? Or is it really your poor judgement?

Farewell, for now.

This is one of the few pictures from my Walk in The Park series. Click here for more pictures.

 

I could vividly remember what I said a few weeks ago to my friend. That time, she was pretty upset and was dealing with a number of farewells; you see her friends are leaving to study abroad. I didn’t really mean to rub it in or anything, I just innocently stated that my best friend would never leave. And that I would probably never have to go through what she went through.

 

But life, as it always do, surprises you when you least expects it. Never would it have came across my mind that my best friend would be leaving for UK. The odds of that happening? 0.00001%. Somehow rather, she got lucky (as she would have preferred to say it) and off she goes to UK for four freaking years. I really can’t imagine what I’d do without her, especially on those days when I am down. Talking to her always always always makes me feel better, no other person can replicate that.

 

We can talk on the phone for hours. We can also not talk, but just hang on the phones… minding our own business, doing our own stuff but bugging each other when we’re bored. We called it comfortable silence (since no one is talking). I know for sure, I will miss her so much. There is Skype and Facebook, but to be honest, it’s just not the same.

 

As I’m typing this, I’m this close bawling my eyes out. I know it is totally pointless to cry since it is not like she was leaving this world, she is just going to another country. So, maybe I can’t see her in person but she will be back. But still, it is not the same. Maybe I’m afraid I might lose her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I hope not.

I See Pink!

About a few weeks ago, I decided to pull off a vintage sheer blouse with a pink lace halter top beneath it. I paired those up with a black skinnies and red belt. I thought it looked okay, until I went to college and my (guy) friends was like, “Err, what are you wearing?” or “It would have looked good without the pink top”.  Even, my lecturer gave me the O.o look and asked me what and why I am wearing such an outfit. In case I got you curious enough about the outfit, here is a snapshot of it. Very impromptu, I shall forewarn you.

 

I know, you can’t really see the actual pink colour of the top here since I edited the picture.

 

  So, the actual pink colour should be around this colour. Though, it is actually much softer in shade. I hope you get what I mean.

 

So, anyway, since the pink was such the big no-no in that outfit, I decided to swap it with a plain black spaghetti strap. I didn’t try it on, but instead I did take a picture of it.

 

 So, this is how it would have looked like if I wore a black top on the inside instead of the pink one. And yes, I paired my earlier outfit with my patented snakeskin shoe. Hehe.

 

I got a feeling that if we do a vote, maybe you guys will still pick the black over the pink. I don’t know what you guys do that but I really want to know;

 

“what’s wrong with pink?”

 

Look out for a upcoming Project Pink. :P

“Reflecting on yesterday.” + [Eggstastic Pics]

So, it was Father’s Day yesterday but It wasn’t much of a “Happy Father’s Day”. A little goes a long way; it is also true that a tiny issue can affect, so much as, to spoil a supposed beautiful day. How can we let a day, an hour, a second go by with so much unhappiness. Sometimes, we have to know when enough is enough. And to learn to let go.

“Mom said, that maybe we should have done more stuff for my dad since we did so much for her on Mother’s Day. Yes, I got to admit that fathers are usually the less celebrated ones. Maybe I don’t know my dad well enough, but I do know that he loves me in ways that I, myself cannot put into words. Nevertheless, I love you, Dad. <3”

* * * * * * * * * * *

Well, I’m sorry to start off with an emotional bit but, it is something I had to let go off. :) Anyway, I have some pictures of some unique red-dyed eggs (those for the full moon babies) that I wanted to show you all. I did think how inappropriate it was to mash it up in this post but I didn’t want to spam by adding yet another random post. So, here it goes!

Chicken-poxed Egg. Dare you eat this? :)

  This is just ugh! Haha, so scary looking. Reminds me of an evil eye!

Allow me… to rant.

“ These days, I find it extremely hard to fall asleep. I could blame my sickness for not being able to sleep, but deep down, I know my insomnia is back. Those were the days I dread, I do not mind not being able to sleep but it is in these sleepless nights that my mind works extra hours, thinking way too many things that I can not handle. Worst of it all, would be that my thoughts do not come slow, it flashes so fast that before I can even grasp it, it would be replaced with another, and so forth. Funny, how my mind works in way that I can not even comprehend but one thing I know is that it is living nightmare. ”

“ So often, I feel caged. We, all live in world filled with boundaries, some are necessarily, most are not. Look at her, the crane origami, how does she feels being inside the glass? Protected? Safe? Secure? Blue? No matter what happens outside the glass, she stays the same over time. I am so much like the crane, as much I wish to fly away, sometimes, I realise it is safer to be on the inside. God, please give me the courage.”

Series of FML.

I don’t cuss. I am against profanities. Yet, today, I swore and cursed, in public.

I don’t usually “fcuk my life”, simple because I know they are many others in worse situations than mine, and even then, they don’t “fcuk their life”.

But today, I broke every one of that principles that I held on to.

All for a miserable 30 marks of my portfolio. The cause for this, is no one but me, myself and I. One tiny mistake, spurred out from my lazy, nonchalant attitude has brought all this upon me.  So, yes, I would like to blame myself. Someone dear to me told me to not blame anyone, but to solve the problem and move on. Nope, I just did not have the courage to do that; I think I literally collapsed.

 Hopefully gone, good riddance.

Unleashing the inner pirate in me. Thanks to my one sided shades.

Soulless April’s Fools.

There are days when you feel so empty, alone, ugly. You think that you should put on make up to cover those flaws. But they don’t seem to help; they emphasizes more on your imperfections instead. Imperfections, you wonder why you can’t be fcuking perfect. That was all that you wanted anyway; why is it so hard on the soul to strive for perfection?  And while you’re on that impossible quest, you lose yourself, your friends, your loved ones.. you became someone else; you can’t even bear looking at yourself in the mirror. The only thing you’ve ever had was yourself and you’ve lost it. What do you do? You wished things would be like they used to. Then, you realised you’re back to square one, feeling empty, alone and ugly. And that life is a vicious cycle.

Insanity Rantings

I’m sick. Yes, for the past week or so, I was sick; was it health related sick or more like sick of something? I’m going to say it is both. My sickness started from a extremely mild sore throat. I thought nothing of it and I just downed tonnes of water. The sore throat got worse and that lead on to mild flu. I took some Panadol and voila, I thought I was healed. Only to find myself shivering in 26 degree Celcius room a few days later, to know that I now have a 39 degree Celcius body temperature. My cheeks was flushed, my face was a deep red tomato and yes, I feel like shit. That was yesterday.

Today, I feel much better with a much lower body temperature. Thank you, God.

* * * * * * *

Sick of life? I wonder how many times would I have already said that. I do wonder sometimes, how and what can bring my spirits so damn low. A lot of things, really. Mostly petty stuff, but those are what that affects me the most. Like they say, it’s all the little things that matter. And that is true. Maybe I care too damn much about what others thought of me, it has always been that way with me. But then again, when will I get it that I am living this life for no one else but my own. If I’m happy doing what I do, then be it. Nothing else should matter then.

Yeap, nothing else at all.

Going Nowhere

Being sick is making me crazy; I’m drinking hot Ribena, I ate steamed orange with salt. And I’m going to drink milk with tumeric next. But guess what, I’m still the same. I still have flu and a very annoying dry cough. I couldn’t sleep last night because of the bloody cough. I would cough every bloody minute. I need help. I’m taking my medications but it doesn’t seem to be helping. Mom said, “It takes time.” Time is definitely not on my side; I was supposed to be well today because we’re going for a firm visit today. The last one, my last hope? But, yeah. I had to fall sick and have a manly voice at this point of time.

5-in-1 ; I felt like dying.

Yesterday was miserable for me; I was so sick. It all started with a sore throat; so painful and dry I couldn’t swallow anything. Then, came the blocked and runny nose; the flu. So I took my pills; one for the sore throat and another for the flu. And then suddenly after waking up from my nap, I felt this sharp stab of pain in my pain. The pain was there for at least a few hours, it was so bloody painful, I could have sworn that I’d rather die than suffer in pain.

Why? What happened? It turns out that I was actually allergic to the flu pills. It never crossed my mind at all, I mean the odds of that happening was probably close to (80%)? The point is I didn’t know it could happened. And I’m glad it was over, really. But now, I have a mild case of fever and I’m still taking pills. I’m pretty sure I’m not allergic to Brufen.

And I can’t eat rice or prawns now. My mom put me on strict diet and I had to eat this fresh tomato with salt.

 

Damn. I’m tired of being sick. *coughs coughs*  Yeap, I have a dry cough too now.

011010

It’s October 1st. Sighs. It was a bad day. I started my day playing SimCity Metropolis. (It’s a very addictive game, I can play for hours using my phone.)

And then I had a brunch of fish ball noodles which was mediocre compared to the one sold near Pudu Market at night. Then, I got into a huge misunderstanding with Teddy. Argued like hell; things finally settled after two hours or so. Tried to find the text style widget for Twitter but couldn’t. However I persevere and I finally managed too! Look at my sidebar now. I decided to modify the Twitter badge I found online, personalized it and voila, this is what you get! So do follow me on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/KahMunHong.

 

After that, I got a call informing me that I was shortlisted for an internship and will soon be going through an interview with them. The call got me jumpy and I was in a worse state compared to before the call. I got an earful from my parents about it too.

Honestly, I’m very very tired of waiting. I don’t like this feeling of anxiety; this feeling, that just maybe after all that had happened, after all that I have turned down, I was to lose it all. I’m sick of waiting. How much longer do I have to go through this?